If your doc says, "Go under the knife.
Only surgery's saving your life."
Kindly check out his rep.
Mel did not, the poor schlepp.
So Mel is now missed by his wife.
Contributed by Madeleine Begun Kane
Just why is this poor fellow dead?
Well mainly he's missing his head.
He dined with a bad man,
A head-chopping madman,
And that's the last time he was fed.
Contributed by Madeleine Begun Kane MORE
Madeleine Begun Kane, the 2008 Robert Benchley Society Humor Award winner, is a New York City-based humor columnist, recovering lawyer and musician whose columns, political song parodies and satirical poems have appeared in numerous newspapers, magazines, websites, and anthologies. The National Society of Newspaper Columnists honored her work as a humor columnist in 1996. Her personal humor site, http://www.madkane.com has garnered awards from USA Today, Shift Magazine, Maxim Magazine, and About.com's Political Dot-Comedy Award for Best Parody.
and now back to me...
WRONG DOOR AJAR
Here lies a gal, who needless died.
while going to a church bazaar.
Found out, too late, on that last ride,
the safe way to exit the car
is always to the sidewalk side,
not from the wrong door ajar.
REAL ROAD HOG
Brad is missed by his orphaned dog
because he used street lanes to jog,
and there he was struck, by somebody's truck,
that sure was a bigger road hog.
On peddler's hook, each addict squirms.
Bob's habit is stopped but he feeds the worms.
His promise wasted, the first time he tasted
cocaine that kills, despite no germs.
HIDE AND SHOOT
Poor Junior died in search of fun
who snooping found his parents gun.
The safe trigger lock does kid access block
and spares the life of that curious one.
Death is something we all should fear,
and careless sex put this body here.
Buck chased the girls and caught a few,
and charmed them with his lusty leer
then often did what Buck types do,
acquiring his AID's souvenir.
The lesson is plain, for me and you,
use condoms when you choose to screw!
DEADLY BIG SHOT
Paul lies below, in many parts,
victim of pyrotechnic arts
he shot on Fourth of Julys
each year increasing their size,
but sparks from the first shot,
exploded the whole damned lot,
a sorrowful accident, I guess,
but he died a booming success!
Tip's not able now to explain,
squashed under a truck full of grain.
A grave plot he bought, because he had thought,
his turn signal cleared the other lane!
Our friend lies here because he believed,
his turn signal cleared the other lane.
Climax of this tragedy was achieved
when he was squashed by tons of grain
from the semi that bobbed and weaved,
trying to avoid him in the blinding rain,
but then tipped leaving us bereaved.
TOO MANY STROKES
They golfed each day, despite the weather,
ignoring what clouds could un-tether,
'til one lightning stroke, turned score cards to smoke,
and welded that foursome together!
HASTE MAKES WASTE
Bill was killed because he forgot,
to run the blowers on his yacht.
This was a mistake, the last he would make.
Safety pays and shortcuts do not!
Swimming is great but not alone,
but Hector did, that much is known.
No one could miss him on his solo swim,
that's why his name adorns this stone!
HER HIDE IS HERE
We miss our Beth so fair and svelte
Who'd not eat meat nor wear fur pelt.
There's nothing she'd kill, or that is until,
she did not wear her safety belt!
Scotty kept the tires on his car
For fifty thousand miles, as par.
At cheap, he's the best but here laid to rest,
for pushing that record too far!
ONE LAST DRINK
Just two drinks and you might survive,
with more, you sure should not drive
but Sam had to try. At home, his kids cry,
since daddy never did arrive!
This waiter and naval reserver,
Went sailing without a preserver,
A leak in his boat swamped his final float,
so now lies here an expired server!
OUR MINISTER WAS FIRED
The ash under here is our Brother Hector
who perished when our chapel burned
with no alert from our smoke detector,
its battery borrowed and not returned.
Listen to your local Fire inspector,
each Spring when clocks are forward turned
re-energize that fire protector.
This safety lesson heard and lesson learned
from our dear departed Chapel Rector.
This lady drank a lot of gin,
Which need not be a fatal sin,
She thought she could drive, just drinking her five,
but here she ends her final spin!
The steaks Fred bought were aged and lean
but he primed his grill with gasoline.
Before he'd begun, Fred ended well done.
His widow had zilch but ash to clean!
Skipping rests when on a long drive,
lessens the chance to trip survive.
Or like this dead chap, too rushed for a nap.
That's why Ben never did arrive!
If a foolish death you'd choose,
your job and all your assets lose,
pour yourself a drink, when you need to think,
and solve your problems with booze!
Nothing beats playing with hidden gun,
to end kids life, just bare begun,
not safe out of sight, please lock guns up tight,
such bad mistakes can't be undone.
Batteries failed this Chapel Rector,
who took them from his smoke detector,
and that very night, fire razed his church site,
and ash laid here is Pastor Hector
Riding his bike, Tim often sped
breezes cooling his uncapped head.
Not protected at all on his fatal fall,
"Too bad" is what his friends all said.
Dean's Mom forgot that child-proof lids,
are meant to save the lives of kids.
A cap, not replaced, allowed Dean to taste
medicine that safety forbids!
Irwin was warned, the ice was thin
which he ignored, to his chagrin.
Survivors were told he died from the cold
but he'll be missed by all his kin.
This Printer's hair, Dick's pride and joy,
he would not trim to look more boy.
But one day, his press, caught hold of one tress
and fatally did, Dick's doo destroy!
This lad just loved to roller skate
and sped down streets, brave tempting fate.
Some cars he outraced, where stop signs were placed,
He'd be alive were he to wait.
When Jim bathed near his boom box,
ignoring risk of electric shocks,
he expired in style while turning the dial,
browsing for his favorite disc jocks.
Bill forgot, out walking one night,
wear some clothes that reflect the light
from trucks that you meet when strolling the street
or dimly reflect your final rite.
Driving so absent-mindedly
Don dreamed he raced the French Grand Prix
and driving quite fast, one slow poke he passed,
then swerved into a waiting tree.
Joyce always started a little late
to make up time, she would tail gate.
But once too often, now folks must soften
the loss for her sad, grieving mate
Ted loved to ride upon his horse
each day, he rode, top speed of course
his head struck a limb, ride ending quite grim,
and spurs his horse to great remorse.
Bob flunked his course on gun safety
leaned his rifle against a tree
Now he's buried here, not missed by the deer
he set out to hunt so carelessly
In ghetto trained, Jean knew the score
but put no bolt on her front door
Her mourners distraught, wish she had bought
Dogs and locks to protect her more
Karl really loved his German wurst,
large steins of beer bare slowed his thirst.
Moderate no way, he lies here today,
from stuffing himself until he burst!
He cursed his Mom and sassed his Dad
He grew up spoiled and turned out bad.
Brad's meanness caused him an ending quite grim,
but no one mourned, few friends he had.