|AN OZARK POET WRITES
OZARK QUAINT TALK at the bottom...
Not pretty as its friend the frog
but both began as pollywog
thriving in any marshy bog,
prepared to feast on bug buffet.
From eggs both hatch with fish like fin
and then grow legs, from deep within
but toads grow poison in their skin,
so toads aren't served in my café.
Both frogs and toads are hatched from eggs
LULU LOVED COCAINE
and people love the frog's sweet legs
so frogs are left on wooden pegs
to clumsily dance their cares away.
Lulu came to town, out of the hills.
Grew quickly bored and searched for thrills
from poisons sniffed through dollar bills
and soon learned that an overdose kills.
Lulu's death, this fact confirms
a disease that kills, bereft of germs,
now she lies here, feeding earthworms,
her addiction ended on deadly terms.
THE ALMOST HORSE
Nothing more stubborn or more a fool,
than the genuine Arkansas mule,
that hill folks consider a farming tool.
Why would some obstinate half wit
fit his dumb mule with bridle and bit
then hope to steer this hybrid misfit?
Yes, they can out-pull a normal horse,
yet what they do with all that force
is intentionally plunge way off course.
Making a stopped mule to onward go,
perversely just holler out whoa,
but what makes them stop, I do not know.
Male donkeys functioned as the mules dad,
and compliant mares turn quite sad
seeing the strange offspring they have had.
Hybrids might help the corn grow so tall
but cross-breeding did not help at all
farmers boarding mules in a horse's stall!
My suit is ages old but fits me great,
so I don't mind folks say its out of date,
since fashion is not my strongest trait.
My truck was new in nineteen sixty-four,
and I watch the road right through the floor,
a safety feature that I'm happy for.
My rifles are racked where you all can see,
so no one chooses to challenge me,
they tend their own concerns sensibly.
When my working day at the mill is done
I load up my dogs for their work out run,
and we tromp through woods, for hunting fun.
My family agrees this choice is right,
since when together we always fight,
so that's why I go hunting each night.
THE OZARK DEVIL CAT
Trailing my dog down Hummingbird Hill
we heard a screech both loud and shrill,
from a giant cat, both wicked and mean,
the biggest old cat I have ever seen.
We both skeedaddled, while it fussed
leaving that beast sniffing fresh heel dust.
It was not a wild cat, I am quite sure,
likely the devil in pussy cat fur.
NOW I AM BROKE
I only drink the cheapest wine
or make my own right off the vine
and I don't ever chew or smoke
So tell me why am I so broke
I grow just weeds instead of grass,
send all my mail out second class.
I don't snort snuff and never coke,
So tell me why I could be broke
I walk a lot, don't own a car
so do not travel very far.
Airplane flights, I think as joke,
cross country trips don't keep me broke.
I stay at home, don't bus to work,
don't own work clothes cause work, I shirk.
I'm not a wheel, not even spoke,
I guess that's why I turn up broke.
DON'T SERVE ME GRITS
There are few foods, that I don't like
but there are some that don't like me,
yet grits inspire a hunger strike
and food critics should all agree.
All through the south, this tasteless grain
comes with a fried or scrambled egg.
I don't want grits, you might complain
but they still come unless you beg.
I don't know why they turn good corn
into ersatz paperhanger paste
which all discerning guts will scorn,
so grits scoot through, a total waste.
OUR OZARK AERIALIST
My Sister has a trapeze act,
swinging nude, our Susie does dare.
Our Sue is powerfully stacked,
so crowds would always clap and stare
and our side show was always packed.
They closed us at the County Fair
Baptist's complained, said clothes she lacked,
and tried to run us out of there.
I was schooled which polished my tact,
and convinced Sue to not unbare,
I said baptist men, she'd attract,
if she wore holy underwear.
YOU ARE A MULE
Your dad's a donkey,
a white face honkey,
and then of course
your mother's a horse
so from a biological rule,
you grew up to be a mule.
You'll never elope
with an Antelope
or be quite sincere
with woodland deer,
you are a bachelor mule,
butt of hoarse ridicule.
OZARK DANCING STAR
This Ozarks farm girl loves linguini
loaded up well with tons of cheese
which puts on weight, the whole world knows.
This sweet heart is no longer teeny,
growing much too large to squeeze,
and each new day she grows and grows.
She can't wear last year's bikini
which she can't pull above her knees
but she's so fat that nothing shows.
If you buy her one martini,
she disrobes, and for pitched in fees,
stops dancing and, puts on her clothes.
I AM SUPERGUEST
I love to party but I'm depressed
since invitations seldom come.
Don't people know I'm super guest,
and hardly ever, troublesome.
Learned decorum from the start,
my house breaking really shows.
I say excuse me when I fart
and turn my head, to pick my nose.
In groups, I listen so polite
and laugh at jokes I've heard before
When parties drag into the night
though I might nap, I never snore.
At meals, I always clean my plate
and use my saucer when I smoke.
I tell the cook, the food was great,
although it caused all guests to choke.
At weddings, I bring down the house,
my mockeries of grooms are great!
In Church, I'm quiet as a mouse
faking drops in the offering plate.
At functions where the fancy meet,
I always clap, should someone sing.
I help them out, clap out the beat,
to show the band the way to swing.
If you would plan a grand soiree
with no amusements planned as yet,
I will attend and make the day
one all your guests will not forget.
ARKANSAS TRAVEL ALERT
Tourists were welcomed, for their dough
traveling the road through Jericho.
The tiny town had seven cops,
for harvesting cash at traffic stops.
Their Fire Chief tried to complain,
but someone shot, Chief Donald Payne,
and bullet lodged in complainant's hip,
from a gun held in some cop's grip.
That traffic ticket was then dismissed
along with cops, on town's cop list.
Two hundred folks without police,
are now secured and have their peace.
Reported by the Ozarks Poet, Gerald Bosacker
Few people see the Ozark bear
and I surmise the folks that do
see them just at Little Rock zoo.
Viewers are told and made aware,
that they are meat eaters too,
and you'd be ate, if they find you,
Caged Ozark Bears quite greedily stare,
at all fat people in their view,
and long to taste that tourist stew.
APOLOGY FOR RHYME
Do readers bristle at the ending word
in verses where clanging rhyme is heard?Condemned men would speak last words in rhyme,
bards if hangmen allowed them more lifetime.
I too, must speak with careful measured foot
if each bright thought was lasting put.
Unrhymed verse marches down an empty street,
stampeding mutedly with marching feet.
OZARK QUAINT EXPRESSIONS I'VE HEARD TOLD
For a house corn bile, he'd miss his momma's birthday.
Quits his city job and now he's a facing butt end a'hard times.
Came a gullywasher, uh sartified frog strangler: A heavy rain!
Daft as a bear on fermented honey.
Shorter than a skeeter's foreskin.
Tight as a tick floating onna barrel a squeezings
Snuff'n heel dust: Left holding the bag or deserted.
Sniffing your flowers afore yer a planting em.
Sooo-eeed for hogs, and only raised thar smell: A wasted effort.
Choosing yer toters afore yer toes are curled.
Cuddly as a bobbed wire, and prettyer than dewed up roses.
He cum bossed for cow, and only got thar smell:
We drove a country mile afore know'n we uns lost.
The lady ywallered finer than a frog's whisker split asunder but folks in the valley thought it thunder.
Rattlesnake friendly and snapping turtle quick.
Tiptoed aquiet as gnat skimming across a thimble fulla fresh cream.
Yore beans is wuth sopp'n and written down in the good book:
No better beans cept tother side of Big Holler:
Town barbered and a'wearing shiny shoes.
Cain't grow corn iffen the mules ain't sweated.
Druther be stuck in the eye with a sharp stick.
Better than hot cider on a cold night.
Was a lot, sich as twas, and wuz tasty as much as there was of it.
Skinny as a sucked tight sody straw
A feller so rotten he'd draw flies in a snowstorm.
Crookeder than a chased pigs tail:
Lasting as a butterfly's kiss:
Sowurder than horse radish biled in battery acit:
Prettier than a new born pig: .
Looked second best in a two dog fight.
Best ideas come, squatting down on a thunder mug.
When ahs a'resting, don't stop me for anything short of death.
He preached long and loud but he wuz only spitting in the wind.
Spect they's to marry, come cold weather. They's tighter en a tick, onna wet sheep dog.
Easy as picking feathers onna biled hen
Man should never outlive his kids, and maybe his best dog.